Friday, September 30, 2005
Penguin on vacation
A peguin on vacation is driving through Arizona when he noticies his oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the engine. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station he sees. The mechanic tells him he'll need an hour to check it out. After dropping off the car the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. Penguins love ice cream. He gets a big dish of Vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat it with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from under the car and says, "It looks like you blew a seal".
The penguin replies, "No, that's just a little ice cream".
Sox/Yanks Series Breakdown
Fenway Park, Boston
New York is 94-65 (first in the American League East); Boston is 93-66 (second in the AL East).
Tonight (7:05, Ch. 38 or NESN, WEEI 850): RHP Chien-Ming Wang (8-4, 4.02 ERA) vs. LHP David Wells (14-7, 4.47).
Tomorrow (1:20, Ch. 25, WEEI 850): LHP Randy Johnson (16-8, 3.79) vs. RHP Tim Wakefield (16-11, 3.96).
Sunday (2:05, NESN/WEEI 850): RHP Mike Mussina (13-8, 4.41) vs. RHP Curt Schilling (7-8, 5.98).
Head to head: The Yankees have won nine of the 16 meetings this season.
Former Yankee Wells is 7-1 at Fenway this season with an ERA of 3.00
Wakefield is the Sox' leader in wins for the first time in his career
Yankees outfielder Gary Sheffield is hitting .519 at Fenway this season with a slugging percentage of .926
In two starts at Fenway this season, Johnson has one win and an ERA of 6.08
After blowing two save opportunities against the Sox in April, New York closer Mariano Rivera has not allowed an earned run at Fenway, earning four saves.
BRING ON THE EMPIRE!
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH US! GO SOX!!!
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Speaking of Mutants...
I go to school Monday through Thursday from 5:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. When you consider the fact that I work from 8:00 a.m. to 2 or 3:00 p.m., I really don't have a lot of time to spend with, oh say, my loving boyfriend or friends. In fact, a majority of my day is spent with my classmates.
Here's where the mutants come in. There is a clear division between the nine gals in my class. There are the "Type A" gals - Melissa, Melissa (yes, there are two), Jasmine, Kim, and me, and then there are the mutants - Joyce, Laurie, Cathy, and whom we all refer to as Darth Vader. Joyce and Laurie can be sweet IF they are not around the Retard Twins (Cathy and Darth Vader). The Retard Twins themselves are just plain miserable. On the other hand, the Type A group is all about learning, but love having fun and interacting with each other.
You all know how women can be. So when I say that at times the tension in the air is so thick you can cut it with a knife, you understand. Half the time I'm waiting for a good ol' West Side Story rumble to break out. The mutants cannot stand us Type A gals, because it puts them under pressure to pick up the pace and get crackin' on the books. Melissa, a darling gal that I just love so much, and I often talk about this as a way to vent our frustrations.
I digress. Anyhoo, one of the mutants, Cathy, has much more power than any mutant should ever have. She is the most miserable person I know - she complains about the amount of work we have to do, she won't say hello to you if you are in the Type A group, she won't give or receive services (the very way in which we all get to practice treatments), and she won't participate in lecture, meaning if she's asked a question, like "What is the upper most layer of the epidermis?" she responds with, "I don't know." The negativity that permeates the room while she is there is stifling.
Cathy decided last month that she was going to take a month off. Unfortunately, her husband is not that supportive of her new career choice and has been pressuring her to quit. I empathize. However, that month she was gone was absolute bliss. Every day, the classroom was filled with positive energy and a collective eagerness to learn. The division between the mutants and Type As faded, and we were all beginning to interact more. Well, except Darth Vader, but she's a lost cause.
To my dismay, she came back this week and so is the negativity. Now, shame on us Type As for allowing her to have that power to ruin the experience for us - I know. But at the same time, I CANNOT STAND people who think they have the right to (as Smokey in Friday would put it) fuck up the rotation. Her lack of desire to be there makes the experience miserable for all of us, because she makes it well known how unhappy she is.
But today, I woke up and something was different. I realized that I am under a tremendous amount of stress, but that shouldn't steal my joy. Thank God I have such a wonderful boyfriend who has put up with my funk for the last few days (I love you, baby!). Today I realized that I was allowing the mutants to steal my joy because the weight of my pressures was getting to me. Well, no more.
Moral of the story folks... you are all intelligent, strong, wonderful human beings. NEVER LET THE MUTANTS GET YOU DOWN!
(If you are wondering about Darth Vader, stay tuned, I'm sure I'll be posting about her soon.)
CHANGE OF PACE
Our conversations are always pretty funny and a usually bit wacky, so I figured it might be good blog material. I mean, why let good stuff like that go to waste! In that regard, from time to time whenever we have a good convo on the messenger or on email, I am going to post some of it out here for public consumption. Try to change things up from the vicious political battleground that this blog has become, and get back to what it was originally intended to be. I would suggest that everyone else try doing the same. If you hear a funny story or a good joke, have a weird email exchange, see a good movie, hear a song with great lyrics, have a funky dream, get your face pissed on by your dog (yes, this happened to me), or anything else that makes your day interesting, log on here and post it. That's what this is all about!
Anyway, onto my post...
I was planning on posting today about the massive influx of mutants in our society, and how they are popping up everywhere lately. These are the drones that meander aimlessly through life, constantly getting in your way, stopping right in front of you when they know you are walking behind them, driving 15 miles under the speed limit in the passing lane, parking their car blocking you in, hitting you with their shopping cart at the grocery store, taking 10 minutes to come up with an order at the McDonalds drive-through, not knowing how to operate the simplest of machinery such as an ATM or parking meter, etc etc. You know who I'm talking about. They are all around us, and it is getting worse. Kinda like aliens are coming down in the middle of the night and breeding with humans to produce a new mutant humanoid species.
So this morning the mutants were in rare form, and really pissed me off on my way to work, and I expressed my anger in a messenger conversation with Jenny. It turned out to be a really funny exchange, and very blog-worthy. Hopefully you've seen Anchorman, because our humor is always laced with jokes and innuedo from that movie.
So, just like those retarded On-Star radio commericals, the following is an actual conversation between Jenny and myself...
Jason Hutchinson: so how was your drive?
Jenny Vance: It was OK, not too bad at all
Jason Hutchinson: cool
Jenny Vance: how was yours?
Jason Hutchinson: i noticed there are a lot of mutants out today
Jenny Vance: Ugh, not the mutants!
Jenny Vance: What happened?
Jason Hutchinson: just a ton of shitbags doing 35 down Santa Fe and fucking everything up. i was doing a slalom course the whole way trying to pass them
Jason Hutchinson: then the parking lot was full of them too. i had to wait like 10 minutes while they fucked around and tried to figure out how to use the pay machine
Jason Hutchinson: why the fuck do people still insist on paying for parking with cash???? just stick your friggin debit card in there and be done with it! it's the same damn thing!
Jenny Vance: Well, sometimes they are stupid with their cards.
Jenny Vance: This guy I was behind had to fiddle with his card, getting it from his wallet, and didn't move out of the way til he got it back in his wallet and in his pocket
Jenny Vance: It's like, you know you are going to have to pay, be fucking prepared and have your card ready!
Jason Hutchinson: i know it!! use your god damn head!!
Jason Hutchinson: MUTANTS!
Jenny Vance: Yes
Jason Hutchinson: i had a lady that paid and then pulled the receipt out and stood there reading it, blocking the machine, for like 20 seconds while there was a line of people behind her
Jenny Vance: WOW
Jenny Vance: What a tard
Jason Hutchinson: i actually walked up beside her into her peripheral vision to kind of snap her out of it
Jason Hutchinson: and gave her a look of death, of course
Jenny Vance: You should have said, MOVE SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER
Jason Hutchinson: LOL
Jason Hutchinson: i should have slapped her in public
Jenny Vance: GO BACK TO YOUR HOME ON WHORE ISLAND
Jason Hutchinson: watch out for the guns...they'll getcha...
Jenny Vance: Yes, they will
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Whisky of Mass Destruction - how the US spied on a tiny island distillery
A whisky barrel from the small Bruichladdich distillery in Port Charlotte on Islay, whose output is carefully monitored by the US Defence Threat Reduction Agency
IN THE wavering image of a webcam, the figures moved with the sinister intent of those whose mission is mayhem. Thank heavens "Ursula" was watching ...
If the slightest possibility exists that Bruichladdich distillery on Islay is a threat to world peace, we need to know. For it has been revealed that Ursula, a spy with the US Defence Threat Reduction Agency - "Our mission to safeguard the US and its allies from weapons of mass destruction" - has been monitoring the island distillery.
Apparently, it takes just a "tweak" - her words - in the process of making whisky and Bruichladdich could be churning out chemical weapons.
And, naturally, Mark Reynier, the managing director of the Port Charlotte distillery, found out that he was being spied on only when the Americans admitted it.
"Consider the most surreal scenario imaginable," he said.
"We install webcams to show the world our whisky is distilled traditionally. The US government apparently lock on to the web images, which they think look dodgy, but we, in Islay, don’t know that yet.
"We get an e-mail from ‘Ursula’ informing us one of our webcams is faulty.
"We reply, thanking her and inquire who she is.
"She admits she’s a spy, monitoring sites that potentially produce WMD. What’s the expression? Only in America!
"It’s hilarious," he admitted. "Mind you, we’re a sinister- looking bunch, so I can see how we might be mistaken for al-Qaeda."
The US admitted watching the distilling process because it is similar to the manufacture of chemical weapons.
Mr Reynier said: "The original e-mail didn’t say who it was from, but my reply elicited another reply and it had the name of the Defence Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) on it.
"I thought, ‘What the hell?’ I wrote back and all was revealed. We were on a ‘hot list’." Then with the astonishing innocence of the American, Ursula revealed that she worked for the department dealing with the implementation of the Chemical Weapons Convention.
Her e-mail read: "I work at the Defence Threat Reduction Agency. Our mission is to safeguard the US and its allies from weapons of mass destruction (chemical, biological, radiological, nuclear and high explosives).
"Our area deals with the implementation of the Chemical Weapons Convention, so we go to sites to verify treaty compliance.
"I still find it very funny that their chemical processes look very similar to your distilling process.
"It just goes to show how ‘tweaks’ to the process can create something very pleasant (whisky) or deadly (chemical weapons)."
Once "outed", Ursula’s bosses at the DTRA were quick to point out that they do not consider Bruichladdich to be a threat to world peace.
A spokesman said: "I am fairly certain that monitoring Scottish distilleries and checking webcams from time to time is not high on our list of missions.
"We all know about this day and age, when you can go to chemical-processing plants and somebody with another intent can take that equipment and create something that is not intended to be there.
"The United States is part of the Chemical Weapons Convention. That includes monitoring and visiting commercial facilities where they would be able to make chemical weapons."
Mr Reynier added: "We produce 16,000 cases a year, a weapon of mass drunkenness."